December Here We Come

As you likely see, my poor blog has been neglected quite a bit during the last part of November and that is not likely to change anytime soon. ;o) With the season of Advent upon us, my husband being home for the holidays this year, and a little girl who is now old enough to really appreciate the delights of this special season, there is much to do to make the holidays happen from here through Epiphany. I hopefully will not be silent during this entire month, but if a week or two lapses, the Martha Stewart Christmas planner I am following is to blame for my absence. Wishing a happy and healthy holiday season to all! :D

Benjamin Franklin on the Turkey

"For my own part I wish the Bald Eagle had not been chosen the Representative of our Country. He is a Bird of bad moral Character. He does not get his Living honestly. You may have seen him perched on some dead Tree near the River, where, too lazy to fish for himself, he watches the Labour of the Fishing Hawk; and when that diligent Bird has at length taken a Fish, and is bearing it to his Nest for the Support of his Mate and young Ones, the Bald Eagle pursues him and takes it from him.

"With all this Injustice, he is never in good Case but like those among Men who live by Sharping & Robbing he is generally poor and often very lousy. Besides he is a rank Coward: The little King Bird not bigger than a Sparrow attacks him boldly and drives him out of the District. He is therefore by no means a proper Emblem for the brave and honest Cincinnati of America who have driven all the King birds from our Country . . .

"I am on this account not displeased that the Figure is not known as a Bald Eagle, but looks more like a Turkey. For the Truth the Turkey is in Comparison a much more respectable Bird, and withal a true original Native of America . . . He is besides, though a little vain & silly, a Bird of Courage, and would not hesitate to attack a Grenadier of the British Guards who should presume to invade his Farm Yard with a red Coat on."
~Benjamin Franklin, an excerpt from a letter to his daughter

Every year I come across a portion of this quote in my trusty copy of Joy of Cooking while wearing an apron covered in flour, fresh herbs, bread crumbs, and the remnants of roasted pumpkin as I work my way through my Thanksgiving cooking in anticipation of working on the star attraction of the turkey in the early morning hours of the big feast day. This year was no exception, as I read through this portion of my cookbook, stained, worn, and full of ample notes with tips I learned along the way. And is always the case, I can't help but smile at a feast that is truly all-American in our home anyway, with it's cranberries and heritage turkey, more so than the menu I serve each year at our Fourth of July cookout.

Many wishes to all of you, dear readers, for a happy Thanksgiving and a yummy feast to start off the calorie binge that is the last part of the calendar year! Now I must be back to the kitchen, to be up to my elbows in dish-soap after a day spent cooking and baking the time away. :D

A Man's Home Should Be His Castle

Pro-Male/Anti-Feminist Tech recently shared a bit of a brag about his life titled Just Another Day in Paradise in which he brought up the woeful reality that many men must flee their homes, the ones they are paying for, in order to find some peace. While this insight is true, it only begins to cover half of the issue in my opinion, for many men aren't just pushed out of their homes but are never truly allows inside. I added a bit to my comment on Tech's blog to further address my point below.

What do I mean by this you might be wondering. I mean a home that is run by the woman down to the home decor that is not male friendly, budget friendly, comfortable, or practical and rules that are outrageous, unkind, and sometimes even unhealthy as well.

A huge portion of women seem to decorate their homes in a way that is overtly feminine, think "shabby chic" or "cottage style". When you wander around you'd hardly know a man (or boys) live there. A key part of homemaking should be making a home an inviting place for all who live there and all who enter it, which would actually require one to err more on the side of masculine than feminine in decor IHMO. A "manly" sectional sofa and recliner chairs are more comfy than the furniture of super feminine decor. Neutral and 'boy friendly' colors are typically more soothing to the senses and are most efficient as they go with everything. More masculine artwork is also typically more interesting to look at and enjoy than are girly flowers. There is a place for feminine in a decor scheme, sure, but a balance of yin and yang should be sought for a home to be husband, son, and guest friendly.

In addition to the not at all man friendly decor, I personally know several women who have ridiculous rules they force their husbands to follow in the homes their husbands pay for. One woman I know doesn't allow snacks in her home. She refuses to buy them at the grocery store and doesn't make any homemade goodies for her husband and two very small children. I'm of the opinion that healthful snacks are very important for good health, especially for small children and men like my husband who work out a lot. As part of my homekeeping routine, Friday mornings are dedicated to baking and preparing snacks for the week ahead, including for the weekend, since we try to limit the amount of processed foods we consume. In light of this, this anti-snack rule is one I cannot even begin to wrap my mind around. The last time we were invited to her home for dinner, my husband and I half-joked we should smuggle snacks in for her husband and kids, handing the goodies to him and distracting her while he hid them in the house.

In both the decor and silly house rules instances, a man is forbidden from having his home be his castle, his place of retreat from the world, and a place that he would enjoy coming home to. The purpose of homemaking and all that this entails is to make people feel welcome, cherished, loved, and taken care of, not to provide a snobby showcase of material goods or a group of people whom you control as if one were a dictator snapping a whip. Clean, welcoming surroundings in which somebody has made your needs and desires their cares are important to relaxation and feeling, well, "at home". When women don't take this to heart, they wind up sabotaging the marriages they claim to want to tend to, the children they want to give security and a loving atmosphere in which to grow, and the job of homemaker they claim to want to take seriously. Call me old fashioned, but a man's home should be his castle. It should be a place to which he looks forward to returning, a place where serenity and warmth can be found, and a place where he can have something of his own.

The Good Wife's Guide

During my sophomore year of high school, my Feminist Extraordinaire teacher passed around handouts of the Good Wife's Guide for us to snicker at the "misogyny" of the good ol' days analyze for an assignment. Being a good Baptist girl, much of the advice on this "dreaded" list were lessons my women relatives had been instilling in me from the youngest of age so I could be a good wife when the day came. Feminasties would say I was brainwashed I suppose. ;o)

The reaction I was supposed to have the first time I read this handout, and all other times I've been exposed to it on humor websites is one of dread and fondness for being free of the shackles of "oppression" that befell those victim women in their nice houses in the sprawling suburbs. Being the traditionally minded, hyper domestic weirdo I am, though, my reaction is quite contrary to what's expected. For the most part, I believe the list is an ideal way to behave, structure one's days, and treat one's husband if being a good wife to him and having a successful marriage is a priority. The only thing that I find questionable on the list is not batting an eyelash if your husband was out all night for the simple reason that my husband not coming home for dinner & not answering his phone would be so out of character that calling hospitals panic would enter my mind right then. ;o)

Despite that one little misgiving about the list, I have to wonder why a wife treating her husband well is not something to be laughed at and featured as a parody on websites. Is making your home a place worth coming home to, a shelter from the outside world, and looking forward to your husband's arrival oppressive? Is expecting him to be hungry and in need of a good home-cooked meal that difficult to figure out? Is devising little ways to make your home most comfy for the man you loved, the one you vowed forever to something that there isn't time for in today's "busy world"? Does having a seasonally appropriate refreshing drink and snack ready for him to munch on while he unwinds and dinner finishes up really take heaps of time out of a person's day? What about baking cookies for his lunchbox or making coffee in the morning? All of the little things that make a house a home or show somebody they are cared about, loved, and thought about all day really do not take that much time in the grand scheme of things. He works hard all day, all of these small bits are the least of what he deserves.

I understand there are many couples who both work outside the home nowadays, but I don't think this is a good excuse to treat your husband and family badly or to neglect the important duties that make a house at home and provide a rich family culture for your loved ones. With a little creativity and planning, homemade food can be served, a house can be tended to in a relatively small amount of time, and laundry can be accomplished in an orderly fashion. Cooking extra meals for the freezer (OAMC as it's often called), using a crockpot, a good household routine ala Fly Lady or Martha, and a designated time to do laundry, perhaps even with some baking or cleaning done while waiting for loads to finish, can all go a long way in having a well-run home for your husband to enjoy. These are among the many tricks I have found for getting everything done around here, with childrearing, homeschooling, homesteading, business tending, and homekeeping duties to attend to.

Sure, we're in the days of equality so the Good Wife's Guide is depicting a parody of archaic ideas that shouldn't matter in today's world, but look where "equality" and the resulting competition have gotten us. Look around and tell me if this is really good and rewarding, ladies. If we're blessed with a husband, we should treat him well and worry more about what we can do for him than what he can do for us. The moaning, groaning, and competing being fostered by equality ideas just isn't worth it, if it costs us so dearly. Love your husband, dedicate yourself to him, and strive to be a Good Wife to him. You're lucky to have him in your life!

The Male Birth Control Pill & Talk Radio

Last week while joining my husband on his errand run, we happened across a local talk radio program that was discussing the male birth control pill. The topic de jour was if the male pill were widely available, which sex would take the responsibility for birth control upon themselves. This was not an argument about who should, but who would. Naturally this led to numerous female callers ranting and raving about misandric sentiments. Several were whining about how men need to take the pill, since women have children, but would be selfish too. Others thought a testosterone based pill would amp up aggression in men and cause more domestic violence than ever. And nearly every caller made a snide little remark about how men are too stupid and forgetful to take the pill. The two men hosting the show LAUGHED about this insult aimed at all men as if this were some funny joke that women collectively think so poorly of them, which they themselves were!

Listening to the program had my blood boiling. Finally I just couldn't take it anymore and called into the show, which was something I have never done before. Although it was just radio, I was ridiculously nervous, with sweaty palms and shaking hands. I knew the pro-male points I wanted to make but felt so unsure without the supporting stats and figures at my fingertips, but I tried anyway. I said I believe many men, especially single men, would find the male birth control pill to be something valuable to them and a medication they'd remember to take. I explained the pill not only would provide birth control but a means for men to take to lessen their risk for paternity fraud, being 'oppsed', having some wacko dig a used condom out of the trash to impregnate herself, and the other evil deeds some women suffering from baby rabies or entrapment desires might plot and undertake. The pill would provide this protection of a temporary basis, for young men who may not want a vasectomy, which is the only "safe" way for men to take birth control and the safety of their wallets from female schemes into their own hands now. Condoms work, sure, but they have a failure rate that would be higher than the pill and their protective measures can easily be cheated by a conniving woman.

After I made my points, my husband assured me I did a good job and he was laughing at the name I gave, 'Hestia' as opposed to my real name. ;o) I ruffled some feathers with what I shared, but it was necessary and hopefully might have made a few people pause to think about men's rights and the cruel insults being aimed at men on the show. Also, I think this experience will help me continue to work up the nerve to challenge misandry in bigger ways when the opportunity inevitably arises in the future. Maybe next time I might have my stats/info/studies handy and can make a more sound case! *fingers crossed*

Preparing for Thanksgiving

The first fall my husband and I were married, I got the bright idea in my head to host a big dinner for the single soldiers we knew, as well as others who had no place to go. I did not yet know how to cook "for real" as I do now, but with the help of the Food Network and some November back issues of Gourmet I got to work and planned a menu. I watched a turkey being prepared on a tv program and took notes. I searched around our resort town for a bakery that sold sourdough bread and located a butcher for the spicy sausage, both needed to the dressing to go alongside the turkey. Leeks were hunted down and the herbs for the rub I intended to make to flavor the large bird I was roasting.The day before the big dinner, I made homemade rolls for the first time, molded butter into the shape of a turkey, and listened to fresh cranberries popping as I made homemade cranberry sauce for the first time.

Several trips were required to the local big box store, to pick up serving items our newlywed selves were lacking and one to the mall to pick up a platter for the turkey on the day before Turkey Day. How I could have neglected that I'll never know but I did. The next day the meal was finished while watching the Thanksgiving Day parade streaming live on the computer and everything went much more smoothly than I could ever imagine. I had entertained before, but never something with this much pressure, so to have this dinner go off without a hitch was a wonderful feeling.

Five autumns later and I'm in the throes of Thanksgiving prep once again. The open invite dinner has become a tradition, not only for Thanksgiving but several other holidays as well, in addition to inviting another individual or family over for dinner at least once a week. I'm now a far better cook, meaning the expectations of myself and my husband have been raised for all meals but especially one as important as this. No longer does my sourdough bread come from the bakery, my broth from a can, or my centerpiece from the florist, but I make all of these myself instead. I grind my own grain for flour, grow my own pie pumpkins to roast for pie making and my own potatoes to be mashed with herbs from my indoor winter garden. The art of planning ahead cooking has been mastered, allowing the big day to be a bit less hectic and the exciting countdown days more productive than boring. Our daughter will be shaking up some homemade butter, made with milk from a farmer down the road and she's putting together pomegranate turkeys to serve as place cards. Gone are the days with barely enough serving platters, replaced with several years worth of beautiful thrifted finds to our white china/serving platter collection instead. The table cloth is an heirloom, the cloth napkins and placemats sewn with my own hands, and we've began to piece together the beginnings of a nice silver collection, which I'll be polishing in anticipation of the Thanksgiving meal we'll be sharing next week.

There are so many delights of having the ability to live the lifestyle I have opportunity to, working from home or taking my daughter along to sell at the market/etc, but one of the biggest delights is the gift of time to cultivate the talents necessary to open our home and give to others in such a way as sharing a homemade meal can. Cooking and baking are great passions of mine, but they do not provide anywhere near the pleasure as blessing others with these talents does. As I planned my menu this year, there was much I was thankful for, but having people in my life to cook for, to show how much I appreciate them, or simply to say "we care" with the invite to a meal rank high on my "what I am grateful for list" this year.

Thanksgiving 2009 Menu
We're having at least twenty five for dinner this year.

Appetizer:
spicy & sweet nuts
local cheese tray with pears, apples, and grapes
crudites with pumpkin dip

The Main Event:
herb roasted turkey
garlic and rosemary leg of lamb
sourdough, sausage, and chestnut dressing
green beans with slivered almonds
creamed pearl onions
spiced winter squash & sweet potato puree with maple syrup and butter
tart greens with apples, pecans, and buttermilk honey dressing
brusells sprout slaw with pecans
herbed mashed potatoes and celeriac
orange pumpkin clover leaf rolls
orange-cranberry relish
mint jelly for the lamb
a relish tray with assorted pickles, relishes and spiced olives that I canned this past summer

Dessert:

coconut milk pumpkin pie
chocolate pecan pie
apple and golden raisin pie
pear and cranberry spice cake with glaze
mulled cider and coffee

What is "Love"?

Over at the Spearhead, the always wise and thought-provoking Zed has shared two posts on the "art of loving" that were both interesting in themselves but also in the conversation that was sparked as a result. "The Art of Loving" was a book that found its way onto my bookshelf, along with several others, after coming across Zed's now-defunct website two years ago.

The first post mainly sparked thoughts about romantic love and sex, which I thought was rather strange as this is not the only type of love that exists but is not the only type of love that should be expressed between two partners. Eros is a wonderful sentiment, but eros isn't what makes you takes care of a sick person, It doesn't make you change somebody's bandages. Eros doesn't compel you to stand by your partner and fight for them when they need somebody to have their back when nobody else does. Philia and agape love do!

These two loves also inspire a person to give their just purchased lunch to a homeless man, to look into his eyes and recognize his humanity when it might be more comfortable to ignore him and deny him this act of kindness, as you can remain in your bubble and not face the ugly side of life. They are the driving force that compels people to stop and help out after a car accident, to invite a neighbor child to go with your family to the pumpkin patch, to volunteer to care for your nephew while his single sailor mother is out to sea. Philia and agape make a person look past themselves and bear the burden of another, when it likely places a burden on themselves. We called this "one anothering" during my fundie days and I still believe this is not merely important part of life but a large part of our purpose in this lifetime, as we mature and learn to overcome our selfish nature, a desire for comfort, and give a care about our fellow man.

So often eros is held up as *the* only, or at least most important, love in Western culture, and as Zed brings up, this is why people are empty and depressed today. We treat each other as objects, hoarding our love and giving only to those who are "worthy", rather then giving freely to those who need it, which is probably everybody in our mean cruel world. We humans are not only imperfect creatures, but fragile ones as well. We hurt, feel pain, cry, get offended, and hurt each other intentionally and not. Our bodies fail us with illnesses, heart attacks, cancer, and so much more. We're delicate creatures who need love and care from ourselves and from each other. Not cruel ideals of perfection that can never be obtained. Sometimes I like to think if we collectively gave up on attaining perfection and instead focused on the art of loving that many hearts wouldn't be broken in this world, many spirits wouldn't be crushed, but that's simply not realistic as it defies human nature.

I do think, however, on an individual level doing this is enriching not only to yourself but to others as well. To look at people not as commodity, objects, or works-in-progress to clean up and fix but people worthy of love who are all the more endearing because of their messy imperfection and idiosyncrasies. These oddities are what make us unique individuals after all. I also think it's essential to stop looking at what people can give us, but what we can give them. This is largely why I find chivalry so abhorrent in the form that existed in the fundie world I was once part, for it encouraged me as a woman to look at what others can do for me rather than what I can do for them. Why should I worry about a man giving me, an able bodied young woman, his seat on the bus when I can stand up for a man old enough to be y father who might be beginning to feel the aches and pain of his older age? To give is to love, to take take take is selfishness.

This holds true in marriage as well. So many people want to hold people to harsh stereotypes and paradigms of an era gone by or ones from biology alone, as if we were unable to overcome anything and must live in a scripted life. One one of the threads in question a woman named kis claimed that the only thing men can give women is resources, which is a notion to which I strongly object.

My comment from The Spearhead~

kis- So what’s left? A diamond necklace, or a nice car, or new furniture, or designer clothes!
Many things if a partnership isn’t solely defined by sex, take take take, and resource flow.

Firstly though a woman needs to realize Valentines Day is a rather idiotic & misandrist holiday and a diamond war is forever. (Really…google some info on conflict diamonds and tell me if you really want the blood of a poor African on you for some sparkly shine. Sick!) These things aren’t special and aren’t something that is worth tears over not receiving or a man giving three months salary for. Until a woman acknowledges the fact happiness is not bought, nor does love come in gift wrap she can never find happiness nor can she have give or receive any sort of love.

Part of the beauty of being human, as opposed to an animal, ought to be overcoming biology the best we can and aspiring towards something greater, including self-sacrificing love not only for romantic partners, children, and other family members but for our fellow man ins general as well. The world is a mean cruel place but doing a little bit to brighten the darkness is rewarding for yourself and others. Far more than a consumerist holiday or piece of jewelry could ever be.

So what’s left? Many things are. Someone with whom to share mutual companionship in life and loving cooperation to find happiness and success in whatever way one defines such terms. Someone to invest in and give everything you have to help them out and allow them to accomplish their goals and plans. A person who is interesting, funny, a joy to be around, and always a bit of a mystery to unravel. A partner-in-crime for zany plans, explorations, and adventure. A fellow traveler through the seasons of life who knows and shares your history and pens their life story alongside you. An iron to sharpen iron and challenge each other to better, not be lazy, and realize that no might often be the worst case scenario when one takes chances to go after their dreams. A father alongside your mother if there are children. The yang to your yin. And on and on.

Love is something more than the material. Something more than sex and biology. Something deeper than loving because you have to. Or so it should be, if one wants to lead a rich life that blesses others and has deeper meaning than the lies we're being sold.